As the youngest of five children in a loving, passionate and somewhat insane family, I was spoiled, adored, bossed around and teased. I also learned to admire and adore my siblings and my parents – my Dad, for example, was a classic Atlanta gentleman, an Emory graduate and businessman, my Mom a dark-haired beauty from a small Georgia town who was a trained nurse and an amazing homemaker. My sisters were tall, beautiful and well-loved, and my brother was handsome, athletic, a bit shy, and pursued by all the girls. I was short and “squat”, interested in almost everything, had attention deficit before anyone knew what that was, and developed a very loud voice in an attempt to be heard over my large, intense family. As I grew up and began to (loudly and repeatedly) voice opinions and develop my own ideas, I was often scolded: “Ok, enough, Beth! Please, hush up!” As time passed, I began to find that it was more effective and comfortable to play a more secondary, sidelined, care taking role – a “supporting cast member”, if you will – and I did this successfully and thoroughly.
With my peers, I always desired lots of friends, although I did develop a special friendship which is absolutely vital to me to this day. Having fun was hugely important to me, but I had strong principles and did not get into trouble through peer pressure (as my siblings did); however, I desperately wanted to please people and make them happy – and did what I could to make that happen. In the process, slowly and without warning, some of that passion and “edge” I ached to develop was lost as I struggled to find and maintain my “place” and please those I cared about.
I remember going out to Seattle several years ago to visit the friend I mentioned earlier. We were having a wonderful time, enjoying the overwhelming beauty of that part of the country as she showed me around. Sitting by a lake one afternoon, she made a comment (I don’t even remember exactly what it was) to which I responded “I’m used to being pushed aside and my opinions discounted – no one has ever taken me seriously.” At the time, this troubled her far more than it troubled me!
Fast forward to a couple of months ago – that friend called me up, raving about an incredible book she was reading: A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. I was going through a difficult time in my life, and she knew I was always aching to do more of what I was I passionate about. She also was intent on writing a better story with her life, which was expressed so eloquently and poignantly by Miller in his book. She recommended the book to at least 10 friends, and followed up with us as we read it, exhorting us with much love to finish it through and accept Miller’s challenge. This book goes hand in hand with the application of God’s promises and principles to which we have held fast as women of faith all of our lives – to “write a better story”, and DO life in a more God-breathed, Loving and Passionate way. Today, when she told me about the opportunity to write a blog post and go to Donald Miller’s conference in September, I jumped at the chance – “this is exactly what I need!” When I sent her what I had written, she was stunned – again, I had completely sidelined myself to the role of supporting cast, even though she assured me that what I wrote was of great quality and moved her emotionally.
I have a beautiful, 15 year old son and husband who loves me and whom I adore; I work hard to try to provide for my family, take care of everything, and to be a good friend, sister, Mom, employee. Somewhere along the way, I have lost the ability to even clearly see what it looks like to be the “protagonist” in my own story – and now I realize this is huge source of frustration, creative stagnation, procrastination and exasperation in my life. I so desperately want to move forward, but in the role I’ve created for myself, and allowed others to create for me, I cannot even see what that looks like. The yearning is intense – I believe I am on the edge of something phenomenal – but I need a push to make the next move. Please – choose me to go to Portland and attend Donald Miller’s seminar:
www.donmilleris.com/conference
Here is the link to the video:
Because I haven’t migrated to my own domain yet, WordPress.com will not let me embed the video. Don’t let that keep you from checking out the details of this incredible conference! Yet another reason I need to go to this conference: I’m still uneasy with telling my own story which is keeping me from getting my own domain.
Help me move off of the sidelines and become the protagonist in my own story!
